Vain Glory

  When studying economics, or rather when not studying, I fear that I am becoming an arrogant man. An arrogant man who believes he is smart. A man so childish he cannot even admit his weakness. Fear stalks me and takes over my soul as I read textbooks, debate new theories and solve equations. Never leaving me alone, never allowing me to be satisfied.

Worries that I will not be admitted, that I will be accused of not working hard enough, of having too big of a dream and with but a percent of hard work needed to achieve it. Proffesionals who put their everything into their studies, colleagues who are weaker but work harder than I have a right to criticize my laziness and accuse me for talking big. I know I am not a hard worker. I know I haven't done anything close to my brother to achieve anything. Everything I did was a result of good luck and talent. Talent I have never made good use of. My accomplishments sound grand, but anyone in the same position could have done more. With the support I had from my family, friends, and with my experience in the US, anyone could have  done everything I had. I was gifted not with brains, but with a family and life even a king would be envious of.

I do not need to be told, but mere realization of the lack of effort is enough to break my soul. I am but a mere fraud, who did nothing but act big.

There is only one way to ease myself from this pain, and that is to study. It is impossible to make any excuses, as they are all lies. Running away is not an option as I will never be satisfied. Studying, and going further than anyone is the only path to happiness. I have never experienced any losses in my short but precious life. I was always victorious, whether satisfactory or not. This is simply because I only start a fight in the lower grounds. I have never left the first village, never ended my tutorial, never started to hunt in the wilderness. Protection and victory was always promised for me and I knew it. No one notices this because I am a student. Every student is under the protection of their parents and is allowed by the society. This is not the case when I graduate. No backing down now.

My childhood dream was becoming a king. I would prefer my throne to be a challenging one.